Dearest, darling Meg Witman:
So I thought I'd write you and kindly let you know that I will be posting a great deal about you in the coming months. You see, while I suppose most mouth-breathers and Goldman Sachs employees think you're awesomesauce, I don't.
Despite your having more millions than I've had hot meals, you're still not going to browbeat me into submission with your pernicious, omnipresent and frankly sanctimonious bullshit campaign ads. I won't be "glamoured" by your your well-funded, soulless vampiric lies -- or be hypnotized by the thumping of your heartless rhetoric drum. No matter how much of your own lunch money you spend, I'm not going to vote for you.
Here's why.
Your career highlights include marketing Mr. Potato Head for Hasbro and running an online garage sale.
Under Meg Whitman's gold-plated guidance, said online garage sale (a.k.a. Ebay) lost $30B -- which was HALF it's TOTAL stock value.
Meg violently SHOVED an Ebay employee Young Mi Kim in a petty tantrum on the job.
By the time the dust settles, Meg Whitman has threatened to flush $150 MILLION of HER OWN MONEY down the toilet rather than just invest it in California jobs.
Meg Whittman sucks the Mitt Romney teat, so regardless of what she and her five-head say, she's taking BIG Morman money to make sure the gays in California (and everywhere else) don't have the same civil rights as the rest of the inbred, high fructose corn syrup-drinking nation.
Meg Whitman wants to cut government spending. Meg Whitman spent $500,000K last year on private jets ALONE.
Meg Whitman wants to "create California jobs." Meg Whitman exported an estimated 40% of Ebay jobs overseas.
So you see my point.
I get it. We get it. You don't fucking care. You just want the TIARA.
You'd rather spend $150 MILLION on photoshopping out your double chin and female pattern baldness in a CRAPSHOOT effort to BUY your way in to the California Governor's seat. You don't actually want to have better jobs or schools for the people of California - because at the VERY least, if you divided up the money you were spending on your own campaign among the 36 million people in California -- you could buy each of us a Happy Meal.
Or how about it you divide that $150M among California's 2M unemployed. Do the math there, folks. $150M divided by the $2M jobless in California. Now THAT's a Happy Meal.
But you don't even care that much. Maybe you'll win? Maybe you won't. But you'd rather roll the dice than ensure Californians at LEAST have a Happy Meal. THAT'S why you are a failure. Not just in this political arena, but in life.
Guess again.
I'm really not going to let that happen and I invite my fellow literate, non-billionaire compatriots to join me.
Contrary to what the current laws say, money does NOT equal freedom of speech. Yes, that's the current wisdom as to why there are no caps on use of private money for political campaigns. Because MONEY EQUALS FREE SPEECH.
I'm going to go right out there on a limb and point out that MONEY ISN'T FREE.
So in closing, Meg...? I will be diligent. I will be stirring the pot. You can't buy me. You care so much about California but you'd rather gamble a reported $150M in ads rather than just give it to Claifornia? Really -- you'd rather roll the dice than just let us have it? AND...!?? When you get in office you will CUT TAXES FOR THE RICH???
So let me get this, you will spend $150M of your own money to get in office and suck your rich pal's knobs...?
It's on.
Sincerely,
The Facial Mirkin
