Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Sarah Palin & Your Butt

So Republican VP nominee, Sarah Palin is a devout Pro-Lifer and a "lifelong member of the NRA." The Facial Merkin wonders, how does one become a lifelong member of the NRA? Do you come out of the womb toting a 22? For me, I find warmongering and killing stuff for fun and the Pro-Life stance to be a bit mutually exclusive. But I came out of the womb clutching my wiener like a normal baby --so what do I know?

As it turns out Sarah's 17-year-old daughter, Bristol (that's her real name, not her stripper name) is pregnant. Again, that seems to fly in the face of Sarah's "abstinence" stance. While I may be your normal, average wiener-grabbing former baby who doesn't think they are in any position to attempt to dissuade an entire generation of young people from denying a biological imperative -Sarah thinks otherwise. She wants you to control your children's wieners and vaginas even if she can't control her own daughter's.

I like to think we are all the boss of our own butts. Hence the post-gestation celebratory grope in the delivery room. But just like I'm not going to listen to any lectures on veganism from some dude munching bacon, I'm not going to listen to Grandma Sarah's position on abstinence.

By the way, anyone watching the Republican National Convention? Holy crapweasel!

By the looks of the audience, it Grand Old Party is presently made up of old ladies, fat dudes, red-headed children, christian singers, facelifts, funny hats, mall bangs, wire-rimmed glasses, cheap suits, apathetic clappers and a whole mess of white folks.

Moreover, by the looks of all the empty seats, it is also the party of the invisible man. Or, as the case may be, the invisible gun-toting, pro life, woman. Watch your wieners, she's got a gun.

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